Damn painting.. ugh.
I GIVE UP!
Don’t have that attitude Ocean…I’ve seen your work, and it’s brilliant. Everyone goes through stages of frustration with their work…But it just makes the end result so much more satisfying.
i-i sat staring at a canvas for over an hour and had nothing c-come to mind. this is more than f-frustration.
Maybe if you don’t think about it…An idea will come to you. Be inspired by things around you, rather than searching for it…Let it find you. 
Damn painting.. ugh.
I GIVE UP!
Don’t have that attitude Ocean…I’ve seen your work, and it’s brilliant. Everyone goes through stages of frustration with their work…But it just makes the end result so much more satisfying. 
Hearing a faint voice from the bathroom, then a slightly louder one, he instantly whipped his head round to look in that direction, pushing himself off from the counter and putting down his tea, nerves fizzing in his belly like a jet about to take off. This was it. This is it mate. Shaking hands, he knotted them together in anticipation as Juliet, the love of his life, gave him a single nod. That was it, his heart skipped a beat. Jack’s throat became tight and heavy, tears pooled in his eyes to match the ones in Juliet’s green ones. You’re going to be a daddy. A bomb exploded in front of his eyes, the rocket in his stomach lifting off and his legs nearly falling out from underneath. I’m going to be a dad! Fucking hell I’m going to be a dad! Jack practically engulfed her in his arms, his own tears falling onto her cheeks in a way that made him slightly embarrassed. Juliet had seen him at his worst, at his best, but even with her the raw emotion was so personal he wanted to hold it tight to his chest and never let anyone in. Enough of that though. Juliet would open him back up, she always did.
Looking into her eyes, he grinned. “Fucking hell.” Was the first thing that he blurted out, then felt bad for sullying the event. Jack pressed a small but emotion packed kiss to her soft lips. “You’re going to be a wonderful mum, I know you are.” Then he sprung into action, saltwater drying on his cheeks. Jack wasn’t upset about it, he wasn’t happy either, he was just utterly shellshocked by the announcement. There was no doubting it, none, they’d just have to accept that they were having a baby together. Quickly, Jack sat her down on the prize vintage sofa, Ed Sheeran still playing quietly in the background and whisked the cups of tea from the kitchen to the table. Sitting down next to her, Jack pressed his body as close as physically possible to her, wanting to be as connected to her as he was emotionally.
“Well we’ll have to tell my mum and dad, your mum and dad, Steven, the rest of the families, our old friends, our new friends, classmates… fuck it, let’s just tell the whole world.” A genuine smile broke onto his face as he rambled, chest swelling and feeling like it could burst from elation. Didn’t want to worry about the future now, in fact all thoughts other than Baby and Juliet had flown out of his head. “We’ll have to make an appointment at the GP’s so they can get all your appointments set up. Go shopping for baby stuff, which I know you’ll enjoy. I’ll have to get myself all cleaned up. Buy you a new camera so you can document the whole life of the little thing.” Jack jabbered on, obviously so excited by the prospect. All doubts had been cleared away for now, all that was left was anticipation. “I’ll have to read some books on parenting or something, pretty sure I’ll drop it on it’s head.” Jack caressed Juliet’s hair, taking a breath to slow himself down.
“Christ, we’ve got a lot of work to do… Unless,” Jack paled at the thought. “I mean, unless you want to get rid of it. I don’t mind if you do.” He lied, unable to bring himself to even think of the ‘a’ word. It was their’s, both of their’s, growing inside her. And anything that was a part of them was something special to him. Jack sipped on his tea and kissed her forehead. Me,I’m going to be a horrible dad. Good thing I’ve got Jule to keep me on the straight. She’s going to be a great mum. Our kid’s gonna be great. Musician, filmmaker, all round creative genius. They’d loll around on Sunday afternoons listening to the Smiths, watching Juliet’s films, going round to his mum’s for Sunday dinner, come back and teach him/her to play piano and finally tuck the child into bed after a long day, after which he and Juliet would cuddle up on the sofa and end up having sex, the sex that you can only have with someone who means so much to you that the thought of losing them is gut wrenchingly horrible and actually painful.
His reactions were so precious, she just wanted to capture it her memory forever. Seeing Jack cry was a rare thing. A rare, beautiful thing. All negative emotions seemed to just go, and they were left with the tear filled grins and loving embraces. Mum. She was going to be a mum. One day, in a few years, one little boy or girl would be calling her mum. They would be depending on her, looking up to her, and loving her. That was enough to make anyone feel genuinely lucky, despite the situation. She would be the one preparing the cake at their birthday parties, the one who bought all the school uniforms, the one who helped them with their homework…As long as their child was happy, they would be happy. Visions of swimming lessons and parents evenings whizzing around her head, just knowing that if they were doing this…They had to do it right. That meant buying a proper place to live, get a proper job when she weren’t at school, and staying healthy…For the baby’s sake. “You’re going to be a great dad…but because you’re Jack. Not because you are going to be this typical, boring dad…But that’s the best thing about all of this. We’re going to do it our own way.” She smiled, wiping the drying saltwater from her cheeks. “Just don’t ever change…No matter how much this is going to strain us…Put an insane amount of stress on us…We’ll just have to stick together.” She spoke, her voice soft and calm now as she sat beside him, holding her drink tightly as she focused on him.
Images of all their close family holding a new born baby was enough to make her cry all over again. She felt exactly the same way, too excited all of a sudden to keep it to herself. Telling her mum and dad hadn’t even crossed her mind until that point, suddenly over thinking how they would take it. They loved Jack like a son, and to her surprise they always seemed to take to his rock ‘n’ roll image, when most parents wouldn’t. Jane wouldn’t know what to do with herself, fussing over every little detail whilst Juliet was much more calm and collected about the whole thing. Jack’s excitement just pleased her even more, growing more and more keen on the whole idea. Little things like baby shopping, and choosing names suddenly took over, losing control over the doubts that were keeping her from being negative about how they were going to manage. Her whole body felt elated at the idea, having only just been so broken and fragile not long before. “Books are overrated.” She laughed gently, sipping her tea as she watched him. Calming herself down for her own good. Not wanting to get too ahead of themselves, letting the excitement of it all take over their realistic thoughts.
Her face creased into a frown as he mentioned getting rid of the baby. Not even for a second had it crossed her mind, maybe before she knew she was pregnant, back before she was with Jack and all she was aware of was the horrible morning sickness and pain. Maybe if she was on her own, it would have been different…But not now she was here with Jack again. Being with him gave her strength. She felt like she was suddenly back ‘home’ again when she was with him. The warmth and the memories created the perfect atmosphere between the both. With the aspects of the excitement of a new relationship that they never lost lingering. Anything that was theirs was special, she couldn’t lose that. ”I….I could never.” She assured him, taking hold of his fingers in hers. “You don’t want that right?” She asked, just making sure that he really was certain they wanted to go through with all of this.
For something that she thought could break them, it seemed to be something to make them stronger. Who knew what was going to happen in the future…She didn’t even want to think about all that right now. They were having a baby…In seven months. That was a daunting thought, but the overwhelming excitement to tell everyone was already blurring the negativity completely. So many things could go wrong, but right now it was irrelevant. Worrying too much never helped anything. “When do you think we should tell people?…Today?…” She asked, not having a single clue what the normal procedure would be. She couldn’t keep it from her mum, not now she knew definitely. She knew Jack wouldn’t be able to keep it from his family as well. A little part of her was actually a little more excited to tell Sylvia, Steven and Michael. Knowing that this would reassure them he had moved on from the incident and was ready to take responsibility now for his own good. That would be one of the more rewarding things, knowing that she would help him get back to normal again.
Very. Very sure that there was a little embryo in there that resembled a marine animal rather than a human. But nonetheless, held 23 chromosomes from both of them. It’d be half him, half her. A little person born out of their love, though accidental and messy at the time, was getting back on track. If Jack could stick it out. He wanted to, for Juliet’s sake but the idea that he’d have to put someone else before himself, before Juliet, some completely vulnerable little creature that’d rely on them both entirely. Plus there was the issue of school. Juliet might have to leave and so might he, just as he was settled in. Back to normality, no ‘all expenses paid’, no free reign to laze around and write one song then call it a day. Juliet had her films and Jack was determined she couldn’t stop doing that, just one minute of a Gardner original and you were completely under a spell, enthralled. Often they left you with a lump in your throat, happy or sad, and the clinging sense to memories and emotions you didn’t even know you had as the vintage feeling screen slipped away.
As Juliet reciprocated the love and squeezed his hand, Jack’s knot of worry lessened. Flashes of Sylvia as a grandma, Juliet holding a baby, first birthday, first day at school, teaching her/him to ride a bike, play guitar and piano, Juliet helping the little person to hold a camera. It’d be… perfect. If he was perfect. Juliet with the support of Sylvia and the other Sharps would be perfect, Jack felt he’d just messy it up, spoil the picture and generally fuck the kid up with his wild ways. Wanting to go out and get pissed and use drugs wouldn’t be applicable in a child situation, he’d probably even have to try and stop smoking. With that thought, he flicked away the half smoked fag, watching it drop through the grate of the drain and disappear.
It all came down to one thing. As they entered the chemist, Juliet left him to his own devices, surveying the multi-vitamin aisle with feigned interest, eyes straying to a mother and a buggy strolling toward him. Of course, of course it’d be today of all days that a little kid was shoved into his face. Jack picked up his train of thought, trying to ignore the sound of baby burbles that was approaching. It all comes down to one thing. Are you going to be selfish and cowardly, run away or are you going to be brave and stay, whether or not it spoils your plans to become a rockstar. Don’t be pathetic. Choose the right option. You’ve still got seven months left of this. Weakly Jack smiled at the passing mother, just as the little baby projected it’s dummy across the floor to rest by Jack’s battered boots.
Jack knelt down and picked it up, avoiding the end covered in baby spit, and smiled nervously at the baby, who smiled back at him. No teeth just yet, bright blue eyes and a curl of dark hair on it’s head. Gently, Jack popped the dummy back between the child’s lips and stood up, wiping his hands and turning away. The mother thanked him, then left. The chemist’s felt unbearably hot but Jack couldn’t help but feel proud of himself. Managed to give a baby it’s dummy and not fuck that up. As Juliet rejoined him, Jack couldn’t stop his belly from flopping over as she approached. Always the same, never lost that little spark between them. He tried to ignore the potential life changing item that Juliet now carried round like a bomb.
“Right then.” Jack couldn’t stop the mischievous grin that crept onto his face. “With all this build up I might even be disappointed if it’s negative.” Would be be disappointed? A little, now he’d been thinking all these positive thoughts but he’d probably be mostly relieved. If Juliet was sure then it was unlikely, but he didn’t want anything solidified in his mind before it was certain. The walk back to her flat was fought with heart in mouth, squeezes and strokes of the hand and constantly gazing at his companion. Juliet could be the mother of his child. A bit of him was pleased for them, their relationship having a physical product, a larger bit of him was scared shitless and doubting every thought, every word.
When they got back to her flat, after him fumbling with Jule’s set of keys, Jack stuck the kettle on, as well as another record. Ed Sheeran was his usual type of music, it was neither vintage nor rock ‘n’ roll, but the songs had a certain quality to them that Jack couldn’t get out of his head. Jack started singing as he clattered around in the kitchen. “I’m making you a brew.” He called out to her. Now the test just needed to be done and then they could sit down and talk about… options.
Jack’s statement made her think, it was actually pretty accurate. Juliet would always prefer something life changing rather than a boring life. I mean a child…A child was a living human, but still…The rollercoaster of emotions would be worth it. If the test was negative, it would be a relief…But yet a disappointing end to their worrying. Shaking the thoughts of her head, not wanting anything to settle in her mind just yet, she began to walk back to her apartment hand in hand with Jack. One good thing had already come out of it anyway, the face Jack was there…Coping for her sake. The baby would be something to show their passion, all their creativity and love thrown into something they would love unconditionally. A baby they could raise their own way, no matter how original that would be, it would be theirs. It would grown up listening to The Smiths, whilst falling asleep watching a Gardner original, cuddled up with them both on Juliet’s vintage sofa. Images of them together on polaroids recovering the walls, it all didn’t seem so big and scary. It was more comforting knowing they would adjust naturally to it.
Being the typical english couple they were, a cup of tea seemed fitting. A cup of tea solves everything. As she heard the familiar chords playing throughout the apartment, the lyrics hit her with more meaning than before. You’re just a small bump unknown, you’ll grow into your skin. With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin. A sentimental flood of emotions coming over her as she made her way to the bathroom, once again. No running away now Jules. Wanting to just finally know, but yet not being sure she wanted to know, she took hold of the test, her heart in her mouth…Sick with anxiousness. Scanning the instructions, too busy with her own thoughts flooding around her head, she continued to follow the process. Checking back to the instruction continuously in a fear it would go wrong.
This was it. Shit. Eyes squeezed shut, not bringing herself to look, her hand trembled as she held the test in her hand. Thinking about how many people must go through this very thing every single day. Some would be over joyed, some would be distraught. Some would want rid of the thing growing inside of them straight away, others thanking their lucky stars to be blessed with it. Thinking about their own situation, she loved Jack. No doubt in her whole body that she didn’t love him. the positives and negative thoughts battling each other in her mind as she brought herself to look. Either way…It’ll be okay….okay…one…two..
Her eyes opened, staring blankly at the test. Her eyes focusing completely on the green plus before her. Looking closer, more intensely, in some slight hope it might magically change into a negative sign. Shock paralyzing her as it began to settle in her mind. You’re pregnant. Her legs seemed to just want to fail on her completely, as she breathed heavily. You’re going to have a baby. Although she’d been so sure earlier, having the test right there in front of her was completely and utterly different. No denying, no pushing the thoughts away. It was there. In simple format, no ignoring it in hope it would go away.
Now she just had to tell him. Not wanting to throw this news at him like a bomb, but knowing she had to. “Jack..” She tried to shout, her voice weak with shock. “Jack..” She attempted again, pushing the door open to see him stood across the room, his face lost in worry. As the tears began to trickle from her eyes, unable to form a sentence. A simple nod was enough to assure him the answer. Tears of emotion, pure emotion. Not sadness, not even pure happiness at this stage, just pure…Raw emotion. As she caught her breath, a wide smile appeared through the tears. “You’re going to be a daddy.” She managed to smile, wiping the tears from her pale face. Things could have been a lot worse. In fact, they would come to realise eventually that they were incredibly lucky…Though it wouldn’t seem that way at first. Holding him close as she felt his embrace, she suddenly was overcome with the fact that this could be an amazing thing…A beautiful mistake from something that was only meant to be a drunken accident, but would shape the years of their lives to come.
Hello everybody…
I’m Bree, and I am a filmmaker.
A fellow filmmaker eh? I’m Juliet, pleasure to meet you. 
When Jack had finished getting ready, the negative thoughts nearly fell through the shield he’d put up, protecting himself from the panic attack backlash for at least a little while. Juliet needed him, once they’d got everything confirmed, then he could break down. Part of him still clung onto the fact that maybe she was just overreacting, could be food poising instead of morning sickness. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a kid and Juliet was the only girl he’d ever want one with, but now? Just as soon as they’d patched things up, something else thrown in their face, ready to test their relationship. Jack and Juliet had never really had anything like this facing them before, they’d had arguments and fall outs, she’d left him but nothing like this, nothing as life changing as a baby. Baby Sharp. Or Gardner. Would Juliet want to get married now? They’d never really spoken about all this before, just living in the moment, young and free. Marriage and babies had never come into it, maybe the odd joke about them being like a married couple, but not ever taking it seriously.
Jack looked up in surprise at her next comment, sitting down on the bed and waiting for her to be ready. Juliet always had that power of reading his mind, answering questions he’d been too scared to ask. “Two month, yeah. Only seven to go s’pose,” He joked weakly, a betraying nervous laugh selling him out. “How sure are you that you are, er, pregnant? Very?” Jack stood up and accepted her hug readily, kissing her on the cheek. “Ready,” He agreed, holding her hand all the way out the door, picking up the lone cigarette that still sat on her table from the night before and sparking up, making sure to blow the smoke from the corner of his mouth, away from her. Fuck, if they had a kid he’d have to stop smoking. Or at least cut down. On their way out, Jack grabbed his leather jacket and draped it round Jule’s shoulders, hoping it’d give her a bit of comfort while still keeping her warm. He didn’t need it, the nervous energy in his stomach keeping him warm enough. Fuck, I could be a daddy. Some poor sod’s going to call me dad. Bloody hell. Jack couldn’t think of a worse father, his own had been pretty good, or would be compared to himself.
Who wanted a drug using, alcohol drinking, cigarette smoking musician as a dad? The kid would have to come on tour with his band, if they ever got that started again. Either that or he wouldn’t hit the big time and stay in London, probably ending up being a music teacher at the school, God forbid. Christ. Jack sucked in as much smoke as he could, practically choking himself before he exhaled it into a big white puff, always cautious to keep it away from her. He picked up her keys from the side and slipped them into his pocket, before leading her out the door and down the stairs to the street outside. “It’s going to be okay, I promise. Whatever the test says, we’ll be okay. I’m not letting you go again, not that easily.” Hands entwined, he squeezed her’s reassuringly, their palms seeming to fit perfectly. Two pieces of jigsaw slotted together, that was Jack and Juliet. “I should have come after you, when I lost you last time. Not making that mistake again.” Jack murmured to her, too intimate to be merely spoken aloud on the street.
The nearest chemist was a couple of minutes away, thankfully. Thank God Jule’s flat was in the school’s vicinity, otherwise Jack wouldn’t have had a clue where he was going. The winter air was pleasantly cold, waking him up like dunking his head in cold water, shaking the remaining cobwebs from his brain. Needed all his wits about him for today. As shaken as Juliet was today, Jack never could keep his eyes of her, partly admiration and worry. They’d never lost that spark that only new couples seemed to have, unable to keep their hands and eyes off each other. In fact, Jack had heard Sylvia discussing it with her friends one day, mentioning how they were always unconsciously mirroring each other’s movements, adjusting body language to be as close as they could to each other, eyes sliding to each other and sharing private jokes. Sylvia had referred to it as the kind of love she used to have when she was teenager, one that faded, but two years on and here they were. “Mum will be doubly happy, getting you back and a grandchild. Practically made to be a gran that woman.” Jack romanticised.
By picturing all the positives of having a baby, he could keep the obvious oh my God I’m nineteen, I’m not ready, I’ll never fulfil my career potentional now freak out. The neon light of a chemist’s green cross hung a couple of hundred yards away and Jack turned to Juliet, concern and love crinkling the corner of his warm brown eyes. “I love you, whatever happens, I love you.”
His humorous input attempt to lighten the mood was just one of the reasons she loved being around him, even when things were not exactly the ideal situation. When he asked how sure she was she simply sighed, nodding her head. “Very.” She replied weakly. There was no point raising his hopes, he didn’t deserve that. Taking his hand and gazing over at him as he lit up his cigarette. It was strange how she didn’t even have the slightest craving for one, now this was scaring her enough. Though she’d spent months getting over smoking and drinking, getting better, it would just seem a waste of the fact that they’d split for so long if she fell back into her old ways. They had a future slowly forming in front of them now, and it was reassuring knowing they were doing it together. The fears were settling and being drastically replaced with positive thoughts.
Jack Sharp might be dad. Fuck. Never thought I’d say that. Jack had always been family orientated, and the Sharps were just that family you wish you were a part of. Steven being the loveable little brother that you could tease all day long, Sylvia being the typical worrying, gossiping mum whose sons were her pride and joy, and Michael. The father, with the legendary jokes and the great advice. They had invited Juliet in with open arms and she loved them like her own family. That was a clear reason why breaking up with Jack had been so…painful.
Jack was calming her with his gentle words. It didn’t stop her stomach doing a flip when she spotted the chemist down the road. Breath…It’s going to be okay. Although she was at the stage she felt she could just collapse, the mention of Sylvia being a Grandmother manage to make Juliet’s lips crease into a smile. It was true, she would be over the moon. Telling her would be one of the most emotional, yet some how amusing things they would have to do. Amusing just because Jack and Juliet were hardly the most serious couple going, and an over emotional Sylvia was surely one of the things they would enjoy seeing. It might almost be as satisfying as drunk Sylvia, which Juliet had had the pleasure of seeing many times at family parties.
As he said that he loved her, she felt…ready. It was like every time he said it out loud…It was like the first time he had said it, still the same buzz as it always gave her. He knew better than any person how to touch her, what to say, just to make her feel better. Make her feel assured it was going to be okay. If Jack was one thing, he was honest to her. They had always been honest, which was probably one of the major reasons arguments and bickering that usual couples experience never really came into it. They respected each other to much to stay mad…And there was no use getting worked up over anything when things always felt so much better when they were happy. “I love you too.” She nodded, a gleam of happiness in her eyes as she squeezed his hand.
Pushing the doors open to the chemist, the warm air from the fan above welcomed them. She’d never imagined being in this situation, never mind being nineteen. Letting go of his hand to go find the test, she left him to his own devices. Mainly just to think…As she knew she had more time than he had to think about everything. She spotted the tests, piled up on a shelf. Different types, different packaging. Feeling lost and confused by it all, she grabbed the one that looked most familiar, having seen it on tv adverts…Though clearly never paying attention. Approaching the counter, a smile placed on her fragile face she payed for it, before returning to Jack. Nodding before taking his hand again. She had it now. The thing that was potentially going to change their future, stuffed in a green plastic bag. Blocking out the thoughts telling her for sure it was going to be positive, she knew there was no point convincing herself already. The test would set her mind straight, and then they could sort them selves out, together.
Me, Jule, my cousin Ruby before she went through her rebellious phase and my dad Michael.
Like I said, Michael Sharp is seriously hot stuff.
